From the ashes...

There are so many thoughts and emotions conflicting within me as I write this entry, I never expected things to be easy from the start being with you but yet some times it seems I truly do not know you and I think the same could be said likewise. Living with you in the stipulate environment I was aware of the many possibilities that would affect our relationship - you growing wry of our constant time spent together, how it might eventually led to a 'routine' that abides to things I'm willing to do becoming things I'm expected to do...

I find myself being skeptical because I neither know how you think, nor feel towards stuff. I truly do not know your past, besides the spattering bits which you've told me in which I've had to prompt you for. Neither could I understand the fact nor comprehend the feeling of how some times it feels like there are things you do or did in which I've been left out of the loop.

It's not about the need of constant reassurance, rather its how I actually felt in which I've expressed in either through sardonic or rhetorical humour in which eventually everything still remains the same. A reassuring hug would make a world of difference, a whisper of "I love you" in the dead of the night wouldn't hurt either... When was the last time I've heard you say those words to me? Would I have felt your arms around me tonight if it weren't for the incident? I'm beginning to feel that somehow I need you more in this relationship, that some how I'm the one who's doing everything possible to win your affection and approval... and yet failing.

I want to talk about our possible future together, but yet it sets me back because I'm not even sure of my future with you. I've tried prying for the answer from you but yet it remains elusive. I'm come to this emotional stalemate where I'm unsure if you, by not answering; is due to the fact that you're either unsure about us and thus our future together, you're not even looking at a possible future between us; you're bashful about answering such question, or you're sort of playing hard to get.

Do you really love me? How long would we last? How far would we go in this relationship?

I guess I'm only able to find the answers I seek through the passage of time.